I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
