Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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