I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
