So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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