I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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