Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
