apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Life is so much better after having sex.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
