That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
