I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
