i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
please come you make the beer taste better
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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