you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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