Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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