I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
