She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
