i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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