I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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