he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
