woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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