yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
