Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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