Cold hands, warm shart.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
