My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
