Only a mothe r could love this liver
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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