youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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