y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
from now on my penis is your penis
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
