Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
