Screwed.edu
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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