I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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