I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
