I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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