My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
