Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
