she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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