I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
