My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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