I wish I only lived at night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
