Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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