Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
