Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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