how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
