ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
