come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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