My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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