i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
