i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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