My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
