apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
