I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
