At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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