I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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