The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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