the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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