he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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