I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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