I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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