If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
