exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
