Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Randomize
