You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
