Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
