just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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