Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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