Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
