2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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